Spiders and Heartbeats

This is what happens when you don't have internet, are going through a breakup, and are depressed.

Yep. Pretty much.

- You don't write.

- You cry too much, and then you don't cry at all.

- You don't talk. To anyone. You see how long you can go without speaking, and then are surprised by your own voice once you have to use it.

- You go to work, but act on autopilot, and try as hard as you can to pretend everything is fine.

- You sit in your bedroom for days on end, only leaving bed to pee, or microwave some more pizza bagels.

- You cut down on smoking, because that means leaving the house.

-You lose 15 lbs.

-You stare at your phone, willing for them to call, but hoping to God they never do.

-You ignore friends, make excuses, and spend A LOT of time alone. With your cat. And watch A LOT of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. With your cat. You pretty much do everything with your cat. Even she starts looking at you funny.

Mom. Srsly. Get the fuck out of bed.

You think about a lot of things. You think about what you're doing with your life, and whether it's what you really want to be doing or not.

You realize that even though your 2 year relationship with the person you once thought you were going to marry is over, your life isn't. You realize that you can, in fact, live without them. You also realize that you actually like being alone, which isn't something that you would ever think would happen. You find out who your real friends are- the ones who you haven't talked to in the past two years, but drop everything to be there for you, without you even asking.

Then you tackle the real problems. What the fuck are you doing with your life? Seriously. What have you been doing? Not dealing with your shit, I can tell you that. So what do you need to do to feel better?

QUIT FREAKING OUT, YOU NUTJOB.

- GET OUT OF BED. Seriously. You kind of smell, your hair is a mess, and.. how long have you been wearing that underwear? Dude. Get out in the sun a little. But shower first.

- Talk to someone. You're dealing with a lot of shit, A LOT OF SHIT. And you don't have do go through it alone. So stop trying to.

- Eat something. Something besides Pizza Bagels, Hot Pockets, and Pringles. Something green and leafy. Maybe some protein? Definitely some juice.

- Make a plan. Write it out. Have some idea of where you want to be in the next six months, then start doing it what you need to do to get there.

- Read this blog: READ ME, I KNOW HOW TO FIX YOUR FEELINGS.

- Sit down, and make yourself write. Make yourself do some crafts. Even if you don't like it, it helps you process the crazy.

- Do all of this, every day. Because this is what makes it easier. Getting up, getting out, making art, eating, laughing, having fun. Let yourself have some freaking fun. Stop punishing yourself. Because this isn't your fault. You deserve to be happy, so fucking be happy already. DO IT.

This list is going to be VERY VERY long. I didn't realize how long it was going to be until I started looking things up. These aren't in any particular order, except for alphabetical, kind of.

1. A Little Princess. This movie is the most depressing/heartwarming movie ever.

2. Addams Family. I wanted to be Wednesday. Obviously.

3. Aladdin!! There is nothing more to say. Except for I wanted to be Jasmine. I just wanted to be a princess.

4. All Dogs Go To Heaven. This movie has it all, drinking, smoking, gambling, kidnapping, and a cute orphan.

5. I watched this movie over and over and over until I was about 18. Also, Asian Santa Claus? Awesome.

6. I love this movie. I haven't seen it in about fifteen years, but I still love it.

7. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS MOVIE?? Schizophrenic girl has an invisible best friend that is crazy, and also British. I'm actually going to rent it tonight, and maybe never give it back. That's how good it is.

8. I mostly loved this movie because it terrifies my little sister, even to this day. All you have to do is mention E.T., and she freaks out.

9. I love Fern Gully so much that Davy and I were Krysta and Zak for Halloween last year. I'm devoted.

10. I mostly just love Cory Feldman, but the Goonies was one of the coolest movies I can remember watching as a kid. Who wouldn't love to find a giant ship full of treasure AND save your families AND escape crazy burglars all in one fell swoop?

11. I actually just watched this the other day. Hocus Pocus is one of Bette Midler's best movies, and the only movie Sarah Jessica Parker looks attractive in.

12. Another one I need to rent tonight.

13. I pretty much am just in love with Robin Williams, and wanted to be a mermaid for most of my life. PS: Isn't Julia Roberts super hot as Tinkerbell?

14. I just put this in here because it's so funny. Indian? in the cupboard? Racist a little?

15. Another Robin Williams movie. The spiders still haunt my dreams.

16. This is actually my all-time favorite. I know every word to every scene and every song. David Bowie's junk is prominent.

17. Ducky was my favorite. Probably because Ducky was so dumb.

18. I should probably just put every Disney movie on here. My mom still hates this movie because she didn't know that Mufasa dies. She's still traumatized by it.

19. This is the last Disney one, I promise. This was the first movie I ever saw in theaters, and I wanted my mom to rewind it. I was only two, or something.

20. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?? HOLY CRAP!! For some reason, hardly anyone that I've talked to remembers this movie. If you haven't seen it, you freaking need to. It's amazing.

21. I honestly only remember the soundtrack from this one, but I remember liking it a lot. I think.

22. Another one that I own. Frankenstein is so misunderstood.

23. I was an emo kid, what can I say?

24. MACAULAY CULKIN. BOOKS. INANIMATE OBJECTS THAT TALK. What more could you want?

25. Another one from when I was really little. Imaginary friends seem to be a theme with me.

26. I own two copies of this movie, just in case one gets messed up. I am so obsessed with The Princess Bride, it's disgusting. It is also my all-time favorite movie. I know every word, and quote it constantly.