I just decided to read the other posts I had written (weird that I started this last year, then just stopped), and it kind of grossed me out. I don't even remember a lot of what I wrote, because I was usually fucked up when I wrote it (and that is why I stopped posting, duh). I know what I sound like when I'm like that, and how I like to talk- pretty much like I'm supersmartsassypants and know everything in the world. Which annoys me, and I'm sure everyone else as well. So that's fun. And a little sad. And kind of disturbing. Oh well, we all start somewhere.
Hi, I know everything and am so enlightened that I turned into a fruit. But really I'm just drunk and high and wheeeeeee!!
It just amazes me to think of where I was last year (Drinking. All the time.) and compare it to where I am now (Working, reading, doing art, having fun, cooking, hanging out with my cat), it kind of makes me flinch. But I'm grateful for my journey, I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't gone through all of that, I love who I am now, blahblahblah, all that shit. It's true, but I'm also not woo-woo enough to write it all out.
Your mom.
Since last year, I quit drinking. Not like, "Oh, I'm just going to quit for a while and then start again later when my life is together and I can control it because I'm in college and I need to focus on my studying and drinking is a bad idea look how responsible I'm being", but more like "Holy shit, I need to quit drinking because if I don't I'm going to end up back in jail or in treatment or dead and this is not even fun anymore where are all of my friends how did I get fired from three jobs in one year my relationship is going down the shitter I'm drinking around my family what the hell am I doing why do I suck so much at life".
I was usually drinking a six-pack a night, unless I went out. In which case I would drink gallons of tequila and vodka. It was a little out of control. I like to think that I was totally fine and in control, but I'm lying. In all reality, I was so miserable and unhappy with my life, and completely terrified. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and was struggling just to get through each day. Which I am really really good at. I am the best at just scraping by on the skin of my teeth and coming out on the other side with a smile on my face. I think I just finally got sick of spending all of my time and energy either drinking, thinking about drinking, or talking about how I totally have my drinking under control, so quit worrying everyone!!
No really, I've said this before.
So, I quit last October. I quit for about seven months, then decided to have a few beers. Those were the dumbest beers ever. It really wasn't fun. I thought that it would make being around my friends easier (since we were at a bar, might as well drink?) but it actually just made me feel kind of stupid and really weird. So I quit again. Then I had three more beers the next week. That was also stupid. I had to have my best friend come and get me because I was so uncomfortable around people. (Obviously, my social anxiety is beyond the help of drugs and alcohol. I should figure that out. Next post, maybe. )
But my point is.. I don't have a point. Except for I fucking quit drinking, and it was the best decision of my life, and I can't imagine going back to drinking every night again. I wonder what my liver looks like?
Look how sad he looks after he spilled his drink!
Seriously though, I am so much happier sober. I hate it sometimes.. most of the time. But I know how much better off I am now than I was a year ago. So.. at least I have that.
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