Emotions, And Why I Hate Them.

Sometimes, I don’t know what to think. Or feel. Or Do. Since I’ve gotten sober, I have a lot of feeeeeeelings. Happiness, anger, sadness, rage, elation, depression, anxiety, frustration, confusion, fear… the list goes on and on. I don’t like these feelings. They are annoying, and get in the way of my every day life. I have things to do. I have two jobs. I am a sexual assault and domestic violence advocacy counselor with two paid internships. On top of that, I am also a waitress. I have a busy life. Don’t you understand that I CAN’T CRY OR BE UPSET RIGHT NOW, I AM AT WORK AND HAVE SHIT TO DO!

If I feel like it.

Okay. Calm down. I have to remind myself to let myself have feelings. That it is okay to cry. Because that is something that I don’t do. I haven't cried (really cried, like more than tearing up, more than one or two tears, like sobbing shaking curl up in a ball and hit things cried) in an exceptionally long time. Okay, I cried when D and I broke up, I’ll give you that. I cried for about a week straight. That kid made me cry a lot. But since around April 16^th, I haven’t been able to cry. This, I think, is unhealthy.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever read.

 I have also not allowed myself to get really angry. I used to get angry all the time. My anger encompassed my whole being. I would freak out on just about anyone, at any time, for anything. I hated everyone, and had no problem with letting you in on that secret. When I would drink or use, I looked for reasons to pick a fight. If I’m at a bar and a guy grabs my ass, I’ll cold cock him across the head. You yell at me from your car, I’ll scream obscenities your way and try and chase you down. I also might throw things at your car, and if I find it later, I might key it. If you looked at me funny, I would probably start yelling at you, saying something cute

like, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLE??” Yeah. I was that girl. 

Now, I don’t really get angry. I get small flashes of it, and then it goes away. I would chalk this up to serenity… except for I can feel it under my skin, boiling. I don’t know how to confront people any more. I don’t know what to do with my feelings of frustration or humiliation or resentment towards people. I just walk away from fights now, and beat myself up for it later. This is also unhealthy.

This is what my brain looks like. 

The one feeling that I am really good at is happiness. Well, it looks like I am, anyway. I am really good at my “customer service” persona- the one that I use with patrons at the restaurant I work at, or with my clients. This is because I don’t want to bother anyone. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I feel like if I unload on someone, they’re going to either A)think I’m a freak B)feel obligated to “help” me, when I don’t feel like I need help at all, just someone to listen, or C)get irritated with me. I don’t know why I feel like I am such a burden on people, but I do. I feel like I have such a sad story at this time in my life, and I don’t want to bring others down with me. So I suck it up, put on a smile, and continue with my day.

SMILE WITH YOUR WHOLE FACE.

 

So, I have come to the conclusion that I am a robot when it comes to my own feelings. Give me your problem, and I will either fix it, or get you through it. When faced with my own, I become a fish out of water. I don’t know how to talk if I’m not drunk or on something. I don’t know how to express myself, unless it’s through art- and then no one knows what I’m trying to say anyway. So. What should I do? Go to therapy. Talk to my sponsor. Talk to other women in the program. Talk to my girlfriend. Talk to SOMEONE. Maybe that will work.

Or maybe I will become the first BIONIC WOMAN!
 

I SHALL OVERCOME EMOTIONS!! FOREVER!!!

PS: Sorry this post isn't very funny, I'm having a hard time being funny lately. The next one will be better, promise.