Two to Four Weeks.

If you have seen me lately, and I seem to be acting strangely, or have talked about a family emergency, or have just not talked at all, here's what's up in a nutshell. Among other things.

Oh no, how did I get into this shell? Bugger!

Usually I can talk about the toughest things with some kind of humor or mirth, but this is one thing that I can’t. I’m only going to say this once, and I apologize for my profanity, but cancer fucking sucks. Cancer is the worst kind of hell. Really. Cancer takes everything from you without telling you and then sets up shop in your body, and begins eating anything and everything that it finds. It doesn’t pay rent or utilities. You or your loved ones end up paying tens of thousands of dollars trying to get rid of the bastard. If you’re one of the unlucky ones, you end up losing your hair, all of your weight, you turn grey, yellow, blue- the rainbow of sickness. Since the cancer is attacking every part of you that it can get its grubby little hands on, your body isn’t paying attention to other things trying to kill it, and even a common cold could end up killing you in less than a day.

I try and talk about this as matter-of-factly as I can. In all reality, cancer scares the shit out of me. My Uncle Terence was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal prostate cancer about three years ago. He was told he had 9-12 months to live, initially. Then it was 12-24, then a year, and now, they told us last week that he has 2-4 weeks. 

Probably the cutest picture depicting how much I hate cancer.

It’s hard for me to not get upset at every turn. I hear people make flippant comments, talking about how hard their lives are because of this or that silly thing. I hear “I hate my life” so often it makes me want to slap someone across the face.

At least they get to live, I think to myself. At least they haven’t been watching someone they love barely be able to move because of the pain. Someone who helped raise me, who taught me how to ski, who protected me from all twelve of my older cousins, accepted me into his home no matter what shape I was in, and who was there for me for my entire life, die in the most slow and painful way possible. At least they have a future. 

First World Problems, bitches.

My uncle is a pastor. His wife, my mom’s older sister Sherry, is also a pastor. Their love is the kind of love that people strive for all of their lives. My cousins Nadine, Eric, and Andrew are their kids. Bella, Ethan, and Anna are their grandkids. They have 11 nephews and 2 nieces, including me, with 6 grand-nieces and nephews- and all of this is only on my mom’s side. I’m trying to give you an idea of all of the people this is affecting- that this isn’t just one person getting cancer, but an entire community. There isn’t an hour that goes by while I am at work, at home, sleeping, eating, whatever, that my family doesn’t cross my mind. I have to repeatedly stop myself from going down the dark spiral of “Why him? Why us? Why do bad things happen to such good people? I don’t care if God has a plan, it’s obviously a stupid freaking plan, so he should probably figure that shit out and do some editing.” I have to not let myself get angry.

When my mom called to tell me last week that Uncle Terence’s doctors had told him that he might not make it long enough to go on our family trip back home to Hawai'i in September, I almost fell. Since then, it’s all I can think about. What happens next? We all knew this was coming, but prayed for a miracle. I don’t think I've ever prayed so hard in my life as I did for my uncle. But here we are, and it’s down to the wire. I’m not ashamed to admit, I’m scared. Scared for him, for me, for my auntie, my cousins. I just can’t imagine my life without him in it. Even as I’m writing this, I start to tear up just thinking about it. I am going down to visit them in Gig Harbor this Saturday, and I’m terrified that he won’t make it until then. I’m terrified that I won’t know what to say when I see him.

The most important people in my life are in this picture. Except Soliah. I don't know where he was. Oh, and my cat.

So much of this reads like a rant, but this is about as logical as my brain will get at this point. I have to remind myself to put my faith in my Higher Power, and that nothing I can do will change that plan-but it’s hard. It is so hard.

So I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing- working, reading, sleeping, talking- and know that everything in the end will turn out the way it’s supposed to. Even if it’s not my way. 

I love you.